More than Skin Deep

I've realized somethings about myself within the last few weeks. Mainly, how selfish I am.

I first noticed my selfishness in the small areas. For example, I would see a small piece of trash on the ground and I would think, "I'm tired of picking up trash, someone else can do it." Then I would realize how incredibly selfish that sounded and yet, I would leave the piece of trash for someone else to find later. I later noticed that I would feel this leading to step outside my comfort zone and talk to people I didn't really know, but again, I didn't feel like it so I just did what I wanted to instead.

This past week, I could feel God whispering, "Anna, its time to change." And of course, to me, picking up trash and talking to people seemed kind of easy. But then God started to deal with me on a much deeper level. I had no idea but I've been following God with the mindset that if I am good and do what He asks, He will reward me. Now, we all hear about God taking us to heaven one day and how that will be a grand reward, but I would probably be the person who would say, "Hey God, why is that person's robe prettier than mine, when I did...?" And honestly, Heaven wasn't really what I had in mind. It's hard for me to fully express what I mean but I just had this feeling of entitlement that since I've always tried to follow all the "rules" I deserve God's best, not really allowing room for God's grace in my life. I'll be honest, I've never really fully understood grace and though this sounds really bad, deep down I don't think I've ever felt that I needed God's grace. Yikes! I've just admitted one of the most horrible things a Christian could ever think and yet, I've thought this way for as long as I can remember.

So now I believe I'm in the state where God is showing me my shortcomings, not to really throw it in my face, but more to show me what's holding me back. The first of which, is my selfishness and feeling of entitlement. The second is probably equally as bad, but I have this deep desire to be noticed. I mean, I want people to put me on pedistals and think I'm God's gift to humanity. I don't want to be famous or anything, but if I was in a contest where people had to choose who their favorite person was, I would want to win. This has led to extreme jealously at times and a constant comparing myself to others. Of course, I've always felt I would lose the contest and put myself down a lot, which would only make me regroup to see how I could make people love me even more.

All of this kind of makes me sick to my stomach and if you think I'm a horrible person, you're probably right. Last night Bryan held a youth retreat and he talked about making it our goal for 2011 to allow God to grow us so that, at the end of the year we would better know Him than we did in 2010. But first we had to let go of whatever it is that holds us back and strive forward to the future God has for us.

I have always felt God leading me to mentor and guide young women but I had never fully set myself aside in order to fulfill this calling on my life. Last night I realized that He's already put some young ladies in my care and I've haven't been giving them my absolute best which they deserve.

So my resolution for this year is to fully give myself to God and allow Him to use me to help others. I plan to do this by praying for God to reveal to me the selfish areas of my life and then praying for Him to help me let those go. I would like everything I do to not seek my own glory but instead, to be a prayer stating "God take this and use it for Your glory."

As far as my Bucket List goes, I want to continue it. However, before I was trying to lose weight and run a marathon so people would think I looked great and was Wonder Woman. Now, I would like this to be a way for me to be a good steward of this body He's given me. In case you're wondering, I only made it 153 lbs instead of 150, but I no longer want to be obsessed with a certain number. I would like God to show me the healthy weight He would like me to be. I plan to eat right and exercise for 30 mins. a day to give Him my best. I also plan to ask for guidance in how I dress so that I'm not tempted to dress in a way to "get noticed" but more in a way that pleases Him. I will train with the goal of running a marathon at the end of this year because its something I've always felt I should do. If I succeed I will know its because God allowed me to and He kept me going. Simply Anna's will belong to Him and I pray that He will use it to inspire other women to allow God's beauty to shine through them.

Finally, I pray that my life will somehow show that we as women should not compete with each other but instead encourage one another, and that a woman is more than what society deems her to be.